The Meat Grinder: 5th Weekend Preview (Pre-Nationals Edition)
The Meat Grinder Weekend Preview is one writer's attempt at humanizing the inhuman beast who answers to the name "college cross country". It is written by ben wietmarschen who plans to wang chung tonight, tomorrow, and all through the weekend. Wanna join? He knew you would.
Pre-Nationals is the coolest regular season competition in all of college athletics. Sure, there is the Ohio St./Michigan game and the Crosstown Shootout and whatever other games you people around the country get excited about. And there is probably some crazy swimming or gymnastics crap that I am not even aware of, but I don't care, prenationals has them all beat.
Every October, (roughly) 600 of the (approximately) best 700 athletes in all of Division One for one sport do (pretty much) the exact same thing, and at the end of the day there is a (practically) flawless list assigning every runner and team a (virtually) exact ranking of where they fit into their sport. We know that this person is the best runner on this day and that runner is the worst and we know how everyone else that ran fits in between. That, my friends, is what I call an ego check.
You think you're hot shit winning the North Dakota Tech Invite last weekend? Line up at Pre-Nationals and get crushed by the sea of skinny white dorks (some even have glasses! And they're killing you!). You'll turn into a cold turd real quick. But it's cool because, ultimately, that is what running is: a constant ascension and descension on the form chart of all distance runners.
For some reason, long long ago, Arkansas and Penn State decided to ruin everyone's fun by offering "alternatives" to top teams running at prenationals every year. I hate you Arkansas and Penn St. Especially you, Arkansas. But, especially southerners in general (j/k?).
Below is the Weekend Preview. It includes all the information you need to be ready for this coming weekend of cross country, and more!
Biggest Meet of The Weekend
NCAA Division One Pre-Nationals
Blue Race:
Oklahoma State (2)
Alabama (6)
Michigan (9)
Florida State (13)
Minnesota (14)
NC State (15)
Northern Arizona (16)
Providence (22)
William and Mary (24)
California (25)
Syracuse (26)
Cal Poly (29)
Notre Dame
Butler
New Mexico
Arizona, Charlotte, Dartmouth, Dayton, Eastern Kentucky, East Carolina, East Tennessee State, Georgia, Harvard, Iowa, Loyola (Ill), Marquette, Miami/Ohio, Missouri, Nebraska, Ohio State, Ohio, Southern Utah, Tennessee, UC-Irvine, UC-Riverside, U. Mass, Utah State, Washington State, Weber State, Wyoming
White Race:
Colorado (3),
Iona (7)
Stanford (10)
Iowa State (11)
Virginia (12)
Auburn (16)
BYU (18)
Tulsa (19)
Texas (21)
UCLA (23)
Michigan State (30)
Indiana
Florida
UTEP
Washington
Air Force, Arizona State, Central Michigan, Cincinnati, Colorado State, Columbia, Cornell, Eastern Michigan, Georgia Tech, Illinois, Illinois State, Indiana State, Kansas, Kansas State, Liberty, Louisville, Mississippi, Mississippi State, Morehead State, Oakland, Penn, Purdue, UC-Davis, UC-Santa Barbara, Western Kentucky
My first impression of the two races: bitter dissappointment. The Blue race is clearly much better up front with OK St. and Alabama, two strong podium contenders and Michigan and Florida St., two somewhat unknowns with huge upside potential, all in a different race from Iona and Colorado. Basically, I want to see Iona and Colorado tested/put in their place.
An impressive Stanford team will get the chance to take down Colorado, but it will be difficult for any of the other Whiteys (that is, teams in the white race, not white people, although most of the runners are probably white, not that it matters, I'm just saying, I don't even see colors, how did I get here?) to get in front of them. Iona, on the other hand, has a lot to prove. Teams like Iowa St., Virginia, BYU, etc. would love the security of the guaranteed at-large points that a win against Iona would provide.
Otherwise, it's impossible to sort through so many evenly matched teams, so we will let the chips fall where they may.
****Update: Oklahoma St. is resting Vail, Barnes-Smith, and Chirchir
Other Meets of the Weekend Where Ranked Teams Will Be Competing
Arkansas Chile Pepper Festival
Texas A&M (20)
Arkansas (27)
This meet seems to get less and less relevant every year. Most likely because past competitors are tired of tripping on Guatemalen Insanity Peppers.
Behold: the merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
The Penn State National
Georgetown (8)
Villanova (28)
Penn St.
LaSalle
The Kent State University
Georgetown, hopefully, has fully recovered from the poop and puke epidemic that struck their campus and they are ready to dominate. Unfortunately, a win over Villanova is not going to prove too much toward earning top 5 consideration. Unless they, you know, DOMINATE!
Mike Hodges Invitational
Oregon (1)
Portland 'B'
"Olympian Galen Rupp is planning on racing a fast time this weekend." Apparently.
Drews/Neubauer Invitational
Wisconsin (5)
Why won't you just play along Badgers? Why do you always have to be so difficult. Get out to Terre Haute. It's not too late, I swear, they'll let you run. Oh? That's a 'no' then? Sigh...
Underdog of the Weekend
Stanford
The Cardinal got the best draw possible. They have two delicious pieces of low hanging fruit dangling right in front of them with no one in their way of jumping up and snatching them down on Saturday. Of course, the Colorado fruit is like an apple, dependable, everyone loves them, and they keep the doctor away (that is unless you're Wisconsin, then you have a cardiac episode every time Brent Vaughn sneaks up behind you. Which, to this day, he does all the time to those poor guys on the 2005 Wisco team, just for fun) An Iona fruit would be a plantain, you think you got a bunch of delicious giant bananas at the grocery store? Think again! Enjoy the starchy gross mess you just invested in, you idiot.
Overdog of the Weekend
Georgetown
The Hoyas should not be challenged this weekend. However, they have yet to be in a significant race, so that is all specualtion at this point.
Song to listen to before the race this weekend that will make you want to shotput a Volkswagon
Coheed and Cambria -- "Welcome Home"
**Note: Atlantic Records won't let anyone embed their precious video, so here is the song cut to the movie "Troy" (of course)
If you wrote Coheed off after you heard the first few lines of "Favor House Atlantic" 5 years ago (and I know a lot of you did), then you are missing out. I wrote them off for 3 years before I gave them another chance. If you're into shredding, Coheed shreds. They shred hard, man, and anyone who denies their shred cred is one of those music snobs that deserves a swift kick to their pretentious nuts. I trust you will deliver when you encounter them.
Coheed is a band that does not deny their obvious attempts to make their sound huge, arena frazzling, and epic. Sure, they may be a bit more popular with the high school set than most bands you like to listen to, but they bring it and you have to respect them for that. Plus, the beginning of this song makes me want to rise slowly, arms upraised, out of a pool of blood and then, just as the drums hit, pillars of fire shoot up from behind me and on my left and right reminiscent of a latter day Kane. Not many songs can do that.
Coach that has the most to prove this weekend
Chris Bucknam -- Arkansas
Poor Coach Bucknam stepped into the most difficult position in all of sports: Replacing the legendary coach after he retires as the program has been slipping slowly for the last couple of years.
He can say he was honored and excited and optmistic, and maybe HE is, but if I were coach Bucknam I would be crouched in the corner of my office slowly reciting the lines of R. Kelly's classic "I Believe I Can Fly." But, that's just how I deal with stress, maybe he has a squeezy ball.
The Razorbacks have a chance to beat their first ranked opponent at their home meet this weekend. If they aren't able to at least come close to beating Texas A&M, it might be time to hunker down and start to come to grips with the fact that this may be a Razorback free NCAA championship. Their one saving grace is the anemic south central region has a sturdy Texas A&M, two dangerously unproven Texas and Arkansas teams and then some guy named Lamar (yeh I went there, again!). In short, no one else who is a threat. Come November, one of those teams is going to have to limp their way in, for Coach Bucknam's sake, I hope it's Arkansas.
Song that won't make you feel like throwing anything, but is still good
Look Mexico -- "You Come Into My House, While I Sleep?"
Look Mexico are good music, if you're into that kind of thing. "You Come Into.." is the first track on their only full length album, "This is Animal Music," which is kind of like the little brother of Minus the Bear's "Menos El Oso" album.
Restaurant to stop at on your way home from your race
Perkins
I have been to Perkins somewhere between 75 and 1500 times in my life and I have ordered a total of three things from the menu. There was the ill-informed reuben of 1999 and the three attempts at a western omellette during college, and then the other hundreds of times I went straight for the Tremendous Twelve (4 pancakes, 4 pieces of bacon or sausage, 3 eggs, and a strong if not heaping pile of crispy hash browns). I suggest you do the same.
Runner who has the most to prove this weekend
[pick 'em]
For the first time in a long time, Pre-Nationals does not have a clear favorite. Josh McDougal owned the mid-October Invitational for what seems like forever and holds the 8k course record from last year. The individual race seems like the definition of a "toss up" with Rupp at some community college hundreds of miles away. There seems to be an unusually high number of relatively unknown Kenyan quantities looming from Auburn, Liberty, Lamar, Portland, OK St., etc. and we'll get to see how most of them stack up on Saturday.
Of particular interest is if OK St.'s John Kosgei (formerly of LSU) is planning to race. His form will be huge in deciding whether or not Coach David Smith's Cowboys have a real shot at taking down Oregoliath (see what I did there).
Television Show DVD to Watch in the Hotel Before Your Race This Weekend
Arrested Development -- Seasons 1, 2, and 3
Certainly you cannot pack the brilliance of A.D. into one single clip, but if you could, this one does nicely. If you have any cool friends at all, you have at least heard of how great this television series is/was and if you are a fan of comedy, laughing, or having fun AT ALL, Arrested Development is in the top three of shows that must be watched (the other two: Mr. Show and the sitcom I am currently trying to develop. I'm hopeful as I've started to get mild interest from "the CW", but then again, who hasn't?)
How many beers I will have to drink before I think the Bengals have a chance of winning this weekend
What is...Bengals?
Acitivity to Best Pass Time on the Van/Bus/Plane Ride to and From the Meet
"Would You Rather"
Nothing passes time faster and more pleasantly than thinking about whether you would rather eat something disgusting or do naughty things to a farm animal. For those of you who have never played would you rather, then you have never been bored for a long period of time in a group of teenage or twenty something year old guys.
While decorum prevents me from revealing any of the specific "would you rather" scenarios, rest assured I have heard some doozeys in my time, if you use the dirty part of your imagination for a few minutes, I'm sure you can come up with your own.
Bonus: "WYR" is also a great way to tell if your coach is cool or a stuck up prude by the way they react to this game.
My suggestion: find a way to play this game around the coach on your recruiting trip, then everyone wins.
Beer to enjoy responsibly (and only if you're over 21) at your post-race party
Coors Light
I generally steer clear from light beers because 1. I don't need to watch my weight, 2. I, by and large, hate their commercials (btw, why are there so many more light beer commercials than other beer commercials. Does the population really buy THAT much more light beer than non-light beer. I don't get people sometimes) and 3. I don't particularly enjoy the taste of carbonated water.
It's not a completely bad thing to have the light option, they are certainly easier to drink when you are trying to get drunk really fast, if you're into that kind of thing. I generally prefer a long slow descent into self loathing and regretful drunkeness that drives me to roam the streets in only my ill-fitting undies. But, the quick buzz works too sometimes.
Coors is my favorite of the big three (Bud L. and Miller L. being the other two) mainly because of image, as I am 90% sure I could not tell the difference in a double blind taste test. Coors seems sleeker, more stylish, less douchey than the other two. For some reason. I especially hate those damn "More Taste League" commercials with Dr. Cox in them. That guy has been on my last nerve since the day he stepped off the set of "Office Space".
First Date Idea for the Chick/Dude you meet at the Post-Race Party
Go on a run with her/him
A run is a great way to get to know a girl/guy with no pressure. First, you meet in a delightful, quaint city park where s/he has never been before. S/he will appreciate that you know a cool place that is not popular. You can do your toe-touches and some other general calisthenic exercises while you chat and exchange pleasantries before the run. Next, as you begin your run through shaded trails you can get to know her/him through conversation without the pressure of having to constantly produce talking points, just let the conversation develop naturally during the run. Then, after a few miles, once you're deep into the unfamiliar woods, speed up and show her/him how fast you are by finishing the run miles ahead of her/him. S/he will be impressed, trust me. S/he will also be lost in the woods and will inveitably become distraught and start to panic and just plain freak out as it begins to get dark. S/he may be mad at that point, but just think how happy s/he will be to see you when s/he finds her way out!
Bonus: s/he will never want to run with you again which was your plan from the beginning, because that's my time, honey, I don't need you horning in on MY time.
Over-the-Top Inspirational Pre Race Pep Talk Quote of the weekend
"To give anything less than your best is to sacr..." (dry heave) "...is to sacrifi...." (a little came up in my mouth right there) "to sacrifice the gi-gi-"
/couldn't do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was a Meat Grinder Weekend Preview. Please make sure you tip me on your way out by way of comment leaving or email sending. Otherwise, enjoy Pre-Nationals or whatever running related activity strikes your fancy this weekend, but mostly, enjoy your two days and three nights away from the stresses of the M-F world. Check back on Monday for a recap.
post comment
good job
08:59, Thursday, October 16, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
I must say, you are the funniest college cross country writer i've ever read. Well, you're the only I've read. You got kind of an obscure job. But it's all good. Everything you say is honest and I laugh abut it daily with my teammates on our runs. Keep up the good work.
Untitled Comment
10:46, Thursday, October 16, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
any comments on the women??
Untitled Comment
11:25, Thursday, October 16, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
Would you rather have no eyelids or glass bones?
Would you rather take a bite out of a basketball sized booger ball of origins unknown, or take a morton's foot middle toe to the bottom through an anonymous glory hole?
Untitled Comment
11:41, Thursday, October 16, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
thanks for not writing a single word about the women
Untitled Comment
11:43, Thursday, October 16, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
That's actually how I met my wife, I dropped her on a recovery run. You're right, it totally works.
Hilarious once again!
Untitled Comment
11:55, Thursday, October 16, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
Women read the internet?
Would you rather be forced to fight your grandma in a bare knuckles boxing match or have tomato juice be the only beverage you can drink for the next two years?
WYR?
12:53, Friday, October 17, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
Would you rather have a baby touch your hand or be spiked in the nether region?
j-bird
Untitled Comment
03:25, Friday, October 17, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
I don't know why the women are complaining, their masters should have put them out in the yard long ago.
Best fun of all...
04:08, Friday, October 17, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
Well girls, we all know that the best way to see what a guy is made of is to hang with him to the end and then beat him in the final quarter mile.
Untitled Comment
12:36, Saturday, October 18, 2008
.. Posted by Anonymous
I've never really followed DI running all that much, but reading this blog makes me want to slap myself for missing out. A blog about running spliced with both Simpsons and Arrested Development references? I'm home.
Thanks
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.. Posted by Anonymous
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