by: ben wietmarschen
Whenever I go on a first date with a fine young lady, as I am wont to do, there are three basic staples that I always make sure I have covered (after putting on clothes).
Number one, I remember her name. This may sound basic or even a bit crass to some of you hoity toity types, but it's not necessarily that I can't remember her name, I can always remember it eventually, but I will almost always hesitate for one or two or seventeen seconds when addressing her. This happens with anyone I have only met once or twice. Generally, people, especially young ladies, are "put off" by this. Whatevs. It sucks, but I know my weaknesses, so I will routinely repeat the girl's name and check it in my phone about 20 times as I walk up to the meeting place.
Number two, I remember what she looks like. Again, sounds bad. But who among us, if we are being honest with ourselves, has met someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, no judging), decided this person was worth hanging out with again a few days later, and then suddenly realized "wait, what did s/he look like exactly?" Usually, the person takes on exaggerated images in our head where, for example, her hair was silky smooth, she was generously porportioned in all the right places, and she did NOT have teeth that you could drive a Volvo through (lighting in bars at 3am can be very deceiving). Facebook usually takes care of this problem, unless you don't have facebook, then you are screwed. And old. Yuck.
Third and finally, I make sure I smell alright. Crucial.
The important thing to note about my three staples for any first date, is that no matter how hard I try to stick to ONLY these three things, I always go into the date with preconceived expectations and an elaborate picture in my mind of how it will go. And, no matter how I picture it in my head, the date ALWAYS goes in a totally different direction than what I had planned.
For instance: I thought for sure we would have a drink after work at a quaint little pub, split an appetizer or a plate of meat at the Applebee's next door, whatever, go dancing at the new hot club that Lil Wayne was spotted at last week where she will be all into dancing but I will be adorably shy at first but then she will coax me into it and I will absolutely destroy the dance floor with my one man performance of the entire Thriller video, all 13 minutes and 41 seconds, and then finish the night barely able to keep our hands off each other as we sit in a booth at a sleepy jazz club, sipping imported beer and splitting a basket of peanuts while discussing the significance of the modern novel in today's society. A plan that should go off without a hitch, right? Wrong. Hitches. Everywhere.
Turns out she has to stay late to work or some crap excuse like that, and then by the time she gets to Applebee's she's some sort of hippy vegentarian and doesn't enjoy the plate of brisket that I ordered for us. I had already started in on it because I hadn't eaten all day and I was getting hungry from all the beer I was drinking while waiting for her. Turns out, also, that she has a sore ankle and can't dance and thinks dancing's kinda "fruity" anyway. So, we end up at an overcrowded bar very wrongly named "Bar Fun" and there are no seats, or peanuts, or room to move more than 6 inches to your right or left. After I shout "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?" into her ear for the fifth time, she checks her phone and, thankfully, makes up some excuse to leave me at Bar Fun, alone and utterly defeated.
The lesson here: Don't ever try to plan anything beyond the absolute basics (see my three staples above).
How this lesson can be applied to college cross country: Don't ever try to plan how your first race of the season will go. Just make sure you have the basics covered (uniform, spikes, and a thirst for blood)
Thousands of cross country runners across the nation are about to learn this lesson. They have spent months stockpiling mileage, getting stronger and stronger. They ran the first workout of preseason camp two and a half minutes faster than last year, and they are getting more sleep and eating healthier food and they may have even curbed that ugly meth addiction.
Everything is pointing to a great first race where they go through the first mile with the pack and then blow the doors off their coach's expectations at mile three and by the final 800 meters they are announcing their arrival at the top of NCAA distance running. Right?
Wrong. That's not going to happen for most of them. Just like it is easy to forget how tough first dates are after a long relationship with someone you know and are comfortable with, it is very easy to underestimate what race pain is all about when you have a full summer of easy runs under your belt. The good news is these first races don't really "count" per se. They are rust busters and nothing more. There is literally no data that should be pulled out of these early season meets. They are about as important as preseason football. Which is to say, not important at all.
So, as athletes across the nation get used to the delicious agony of running across grass for 5 miles again, let's have a look at the Meat Grinder's Team Power Rankings, 1st Edition:
1. Oregon Ducks:
The Ducks return all seven of a team that scored 85 points to win nationals last year. Vin Lananna tore up recruiting once again, somehow stuffing more bullets into an already loaded gun. Right now it seems that it's just a matter of how much Oregon will win by and if we are talking a '03 Stanford-esque domination come November.
2. Wisconsin Badgers:
I like these types of teams, teams facing adversity and doubts and transition. That's why I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt at 2nd. These guys have got to feel underappreciated right now. Hopefully they are getting very familiar with their bootstraps, because they will need to pull themselves up and out of a drastic coaching change and a bunch of transfer B.S. to stay in the hunt this November. No doubt there is turmoil as the near legendary coach that recruited them is gone and replaced by a coach who made his name by recruiting overseas, something that did not happen in the Schumacher era (Canada is not over seas, just so you know).
3. Oklahoma State Cowboys:
(Warning: here comes the first sentence ever that contains both "sexy" and "Oklahoma") Oklahoma St. is the sexy pick this year to topple the Ducks for obvious reasons (3rd place last year, return everyone, pick up one of the best recruits in American history as well as another FL finalist in a great recruiting class). I like that OK St. is good this year mainly for all the hilarious Grapes of Wrath jokes that I will be able to make. Remember Cowboys: "Man, unlike any other thing organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work, walks up the stairs of his concepts, emerges ahead of his accomplishments." HILARIOUS!
4. Alabama Elephants (I never understood why this wasn't their official mascot):
Does anyone actually know what goes on at Alabama? I don't know their coach's name, I know no one on their team, I know Tim Broe went there for some reason and of course I remember the tragic death of David Kimani a few years ago, but I know very little beyond that. They are a complete mystery to me and yet they are always hanging around at NCAA's. Maybe it is my general suspicion of anything that goes on south of the Mason Dixon line. I don't know. They will always be in the conversation for a podium spot but their exclusively Kenyan top 5 will always make them much more mysterious than other teams.
5. Georgetown Hoyas:
I could make a joke here about how they really need to make sure they get at least 5 guys across the line in Terre Haute or about how I thought you had to be smart to go to Georgetown or how I thought once a runner stepped off the course, chatted with his parents for a spell, and then drank a Capri Sun, that he was not allowed to then get back on the course and finish the race 10 minutes behind the last finisher just so his team could get a team score. But I won't. They are the class of the Big East this year and Andrew Bumbalough is under the radar big time as an individual title threat.
That's all for your Thursday fix of college XC banter. Letchya boy know what's the what in the comments (that could not have sounded more white if I tried). Coming next week is the 1st edition of Power Rankings for individuals. Guess who's on top (hint: he bears a striking resemblance to a boy who never wanted to grow up (sub-hint: not Geoffrey the Toys-R-Us Giraffe))?
