Blogs : Jason Richardson

The GIFT: An Epilogue

"To Give Anything Less Than Your Best, is to Sacrifice the Gift" ~Prefontaine

I watched the races…

…The mistake was that I watched the NCAA Hurdle races

I’d come home from my 8-5 tired from the day’s boredom, with pain in my back from the computer chair’s rigidity and sedentariness.  An empty house was my welcome… one sister in class studying for the Maryland Bar exam…my eldest sister spending time with her fiancée.  Echoes and stillness followed as I walked up the creaking wooden stairs to retire to my bed and poured myself into the normative post-work routine of facebook and myspace.

I found myself staring at the home page of trackshark, not understanding why I had typed its address out of habit, and more so why I couldn’t bring myself to check the results from nationals.  I thought I closed the chapter of my life titled ‘Track & Field’.  With its closure, I thought I bounded the book, set it on fire, and sunk it to the bottom of the ocean.  I shook off my uneasiness and viewed the results from nationals while my emotions ran a race of their own.

My sincere happiness to see my teammates performing so well got out hard, only to have a mid-race change see confusion take the lead.  Brilliant in its final kick, emptiness would eventually take the victory leaving me emotionally fatigued and in desperate need of the hydrator of clarity.  I never really closed the athletic chapter of my life…what I did was attempt to erase its content…and in its place a void that went unaccounted for.  Emptiness is the appropriate feeling when I saw two hurdlers from my conference that I’ve raced so many times, emerge as NCAA champions.  Emptiness is the emotion that characterizes the irony of knowing that both names have been below my own on past hurdle results.  Emptiness is just simply knowing that there’s nothing I can do about it.

I made a big mistake that day…I checked the results and watched the youtube races.  I never used to buy the plea of insanity in courtrooms; the idea that you lose complete control that you do the unthinkable… but that day I would need a plea of my own.  Enraged, annoyed, driven, and insane, I forcefully threw on basketball shorts, shoes, a SC tee, my ipod, my watch, and left the house.

I jogged… my first instance of exercise since the third hamstring strain March 24^th. I jogged until my body hurt like my pride had hurt when I was left home from Indoor Nationals.  My side ached like my heart did knowing that my future in track and field was as weak as my hamstring, the possibility of failure strengthening like my growing scar tissue.  My head throbbed with the fury of fists;  my mental morale had been throwing combative blows against the thoughts of running professionally, the hope of world records, and the simplicity of just having fun in track and field.  I jogged… 62minutes…I jogged….

As if schizophrenic, I talked to myself during the jog, raced along side my fear of failure, and passed the baton to my hope of finishing the upcoming season on top.  Am I crazy?... maybe I am.  Crazy for trying to continue the season after my second strain, crazy for thinking that most athletes make an honest living running track, or maybe just crazy for knowing that I have what it takes to be the best combo hurdler in the world.  I felt surreal while jogging, even in my pain, because I am born to run.  The length of my stride, the build of my frame, the fluidity, the naturality, these are my birthright to speed! 

An hour later, I turned onto my street, shirt damp with the physical signs of exertion, calves cramping from their previous inactivity.  But instead of disdain, I welcomed these ails.  I welcome the sweat and exhaustion… welcomed the dizziness and flirts with the unconscious…welcomed the birth --of a comeback.  I jogged to the front of my house, collected myself and open the front door.  I jogged up the same creaking wooden step, but this time hope followed.  I showered and scrubbed the doubt and cynicism of my peers, dried off the moisture of past mistakes, and put on the pureness of a white tee, a blank slate, a new beginning.

I made a mistake…I checked the results and watched the races…but these weren’t the real mistakes.  The only mistake was that I’d given less than my best, sacrificed the gift and almost let go of a God given talent.  We never struggle alone, and I’m reminded of an online conversation I had with Miki Barber.  She wears hot pink gloves as a physical representation of her comeback, her fight against past injuries typified by surgery on her ankle.  Yet in spite of it all, she’s running at USA’s…forceful and powerful in her drive phase… her drive phase exemplary of her drive in athletics as a whole.  Here 11.1s for 100m is more than just a preliminary time; it’s the validation for my own comeback and a victory for perseverance.

This will be my last entry, and I thank all those who’ve read my words, and most of all thank TB for giving me this opportunity.  In the process of typing these words, I’ve been allowed the chance to really put thought into how I feel about life, sports, and my impact on others.  To Justin (whoever you are), I’m thankful for a fan, To God-family-and friends you’re the real reason why I run, and lastly to those who responded to my ‘All Good Must Come to an End’ blog I appreciate your comments, but I ask you to strike the last sentence of my pervious entry: “Try not to forget about me this season cause…. I WILL be back” should read only these four words:

“…the KING is BACK!”

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4:18 AM, June 24, 2007 .. Posted by Q

Well spoken, like a true gifted athlete and young man...don't worry. Now that u have seen the light, you will make leaps and bounds towards your many goals, whether it be law school or an Olympic Champion. When I would doubt myself, pretty much all of this college season, she said that u are putting a limit on God's work and He can't do His bidding because u weren't allowing him, and I am finally coming to that realization that me running is not about me, nor is your running about u. It is about the Glorification of our Lord and Saviour, whether we win or lose. You straining your hamstring 3 times will only mean that WHEN you come back next yr, your victories will be that much greater and that much more of a triumph. Thank you JaiRich, because in your own special way you have helped a lot of young people aspire to be something greater than just the ordinary athlete.
GOD BLESS...actually my revelation is a little late, He has already Blessed u!

Man

4:47 PM, June 26, 2007 .. Posted by fla954gurl

You really do have a way with words. But im glad to see you have that fire back, and most of all glad for you stepping up and reminding me that things dont all ways work out the way we want in track and field, ima living witness so i look forward to seeing you winning the races that count next year. Its gona be 08 olympic yr aint nuthn to it but to it

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10:03 PM, June 26, 2007 .. Posted by Terry Andrus

You know I'm gonna comment when you need have someone comment, but I think the person that made the first comment said everything you wnated and needed to hear. Continue to Act Blessed, Live Blessed and Be Blessed......abd forget what you heard...I'm the ghetto Langston Hughes. LOL

More than words

11:43 PM, June 28, 2007 .. Posted by Anonymous

Jason R... I\'ve read your words and check track shark at least once a week to see if you\'ve made a new blog entry. I\'ve wanted to respond about all those negative things you had to say waiting in enticipation for your come back. You\'re older than me but the year that nationals was held in Miami for USA or AAU ( I cant remember) you were the first prep athlete I\'ve ever seen with USA gear and I looked you up and saw the kind of athlete you ARE (not were). Your story is what I\'ve been going through. I don\'t lift waits and really train sparingly and I finally see that hardwork is a factor. I\'m a Florida state champion and I red shirted my first year in college. I\'m starting to lift now to maintain a spot for me at nationals. I also found it hard to maintain a student athlete balance but I have found neutral ground. I LOVE track and field there is nothing else that I can say. I check results and watch and look up the same things over and over like I\'ve never seen it before. I ran in some meets though and I found that I wasn\'t on top like in highschool. But it\'s about to be a new day and era. But I am running on with nothing, just don\'t give up on something that you\'ve been good at for so long and I know that you love it too.. If I make it ....WHEN I make it to nationals I\'ll come up to you and introduce myself. Hoping to see you at the trials and we being team mates.. Oh yeah what are you talking about this being your last blog.You also have a talent with writing keep it posted on track shark... Holla Florida speed demon

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3:35 AM, June 29, 2007 .. Posted by Anonymous

Its 2am in the morning and im over here reading your blog, and clinging on to each emphazied word as if were in Gods book, for the simple fact that....its that inspiring...your story alone makes me wanna train until i reach the point of perfection and be certain that i never give less than my best.. and use the gifts God gave me for its purpose and not for a meaningless sacrifice... All in all, I wish you the best, and support you 110%
<br>-KR-